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That’s what I’ve been doing for so very long.

One year ago today, I attended the memorial service for, and said goodbye to, my dearest childhood friend, JT.  It was two measly posts ago that I wrote about it.  I’ve been back to my blog one time since I wrote about my greatest heartbreak and I couldn’t bring myself to write about anything.  Not that anything before that point was prize winning, but I have been going down a very long road with the grief.

In one week, I’m participating in my fifth half marathon.  I’m not ready.  I hit a nasty block with the Air Force Half Marathon.   Had I not joined Fisher House Foundation‘s charity team, Team Fisher House, and raised money, I likely would have bailed. but I didn’t want to let those who supported me down.  I ended up traveling alone and running alone.  It rained and I was 20 minutes past gun time starting because traffic was a nightmare trying to get on base even though I gave myself over 3 hours to get there.  I developed a blister about mile 1.5, lost my interval timer and stupidly backtracked trying to find it, which I never did.  However, I was a finisher.  That was five weeks ago and I’ve put my running shoes on once.  Today.

Today, Fab wanted to go for a run with me.  I purposely didn’t time it and I refused to look at the clock because I didn’t want to know how long it took us.  It was the slowest two miles I’ve had in a long time, but I swear it went by the quickest.  She reminded me to be aware of what was around us, asked if my phone was fully charged, and we were off.  We talked, laughed, and had a great time.  She told me she was sorry for being slow.  I told her it didn’t matter and I meant it.  We finished our two miles and we did it with a smile and a high five.  She has asked for a fuel belt for Christmas.  Her biggest concern is what to put in the zippered pouch since she doesn’t have car keys or a phone.  But she wants one because I have one and she wants to run with me.

Next week I’m meeting up with one of my besties.  It will be her first half marathon.  I’m so proud of her and the strides she’s made with running.  She’s an inspiration to me and I’m looking forward to supporting her and cheering her on.  Next week I’ll lace up my running shoes and don my calf compression sleeves and running jersey to raise awareness for a cause I believe in.  Next week I’m dedicating my run to JT.  Just like everything else I tackled in my life, he supported me with a whole heart and unwavering love.  I will do my best, albeit slow, and count my blessings with every step I take.

Be well.

There once was a girl from the South

Who [thought she] knew what life was about

She gave it her all

Sometimes she would fall

Oh, hell.  Who am I kidding?

Dude, it has been an ass kicking year and a half.  No other way to put it.

So, it’s not quite the prose I had hoped for.  There aren’t but so many times someone can post that they’ve disappeared (as if it wasn’t obvious from lack of posts) and then promise to get back on track. It gets old after the first, but I probably have at least half a dozen to my credit.  If not more. So, when I took my last blip off the blogging radar, I didn’t come back.  One, I had nothing to say and two, which really should be one, is I have been consumed by lazy.  So many of the fantastic people I’ve met through blogging and I are now F@ceb00k friends, so they keep up with all the mundane stuff.

I hit bottom and bounced back up.  I hit bottom again and bounced back up.  That third time of hitting bottom has been super hard to recover from.  I have given up a lot of the volunteer work I was doing so I could focus on my family and household.  I will say, Fabul-O has been a trooper through all of the changes and has been so much more resilient than I ever could have asked.  The one thing that hasn’t changed is the love and unwavering support of all my fabulous friends and my parents.  Without them, I shudder to think what depths I would have sunk to.

In February I participated in my first half marathon.  I had some health issues at the end of last year that kept me from being able to train properly and run.  With constant nagging by me, the eventual blessing of my doctor with a conditional clearance, I did a walk/run (emphasis on walk) and completed.  Aside from the fact I thought I would die, and the massive blister I developed at mile 5, I felt good.  Except for the massive amounts of pain I was in.  I wasn’t last.  I know the “you lapped everyone who didn’t get off the couch” spiel and all the other well-intended yada-yas, but I didn’t feel like I really and truly “did” a half marathon.  Except for the super swag, fancy medal, and the best damn muffins I had ever eaten.  So, when I got the email for the discounted fee, I registered for it again.  Next time I want to run.  I will run the Myrtle Beach Half Marathon in February 2013.

My mission before that one is to run the Army Ten Miler in DC in October.  I joined Team Fisher House and will run raising awareness for all the awesomeness Fisher House provides for families of our service members.  For those who don’t know, Fisher House is kind of like a Ronald McDonald House for military families.

This is the last year of my 30s and I want to make it kick ass.  For the most part, my 30s were good, but I want to send them out with a bang.

I don’t know if anyone still hangs around to see if I’m still alive, but, I am.  And I’m going to be better than I’ve been in a long, long time.

 

xo

Well, I finally have a permanent, full-time job.  It’s not ideal, but I’m gainfully employed and, for that, I’m grateful.  No more 90 mi. round trip commute.  It’s 3.3 miles from my office to my house.  I could walk it, if I wanted to and didn’t need to be in pristine condition when I got there.  Maybe one day, but for now, I’m okay with the drive.

It has been a rough year and it has kicked my tuchus six ways from Sunday.  I’ve struggled with feelings of failure and letting all those around me down.  I hit a serious depression and there were days I couldn’t get my head up off the pillow.  Failed interview after failed interview and opportunities that I couldn’t make happen really brought me down.  I accepted a temp position with a company in June and was finally made permanent a few weeks ago.  A good friend helped me out with kid-care this summer when I started temping so I didn’t have to pay daycare rates.  As did the midwest G’ma and Papa L.  Fabul-O spent 3 weeks visiting them this summer.  It was wonderful for her and them.

I’ve made several attempts to redefine me and I have learned, but am still struggling to accept, is I am who I am and that’s not going to change.  Complacency gets us all and it got the best of me.  So, I’m no longer working on reinventing me or even redefining me.  I’m working on making the me I am the best it can be.  I still struggle and I still have a long way to go.  We have had the love and support of friends and family and I am so thankful I surround myself with people who care and don’t just throw lip service our way.  I am so glad I raised Olivia to understand the value of what we have and what we give because it’s helped to adjust to our revised way of living.

I’m back at Weight Watchers and had a successful first week back on plan.  I struggled this week, but I’m having to break a lot of bad habits and, damn, that gets a lot harder the older you get.  And oatmeal doesn’t taste nearly as good as a biscuit.

Olivia participated in her first 5K in September.  We ran about the first half mile and we walked the rest.  We finished in 52 minutes and I am super proud of my girl.  People say we could have shaved 5 min off our time had I not taken her picture at the mile markers.  We walked in support of Operation Homefront North Carolina.  She says she wants to do another one.  Running it.

I had my 20 year class reunion a few weeks ago.  20 years changed a lot of us in a lot of ways.  Others of us it totally skipped and nothing has changed.  I’ve changed.  And I’m glad.

I’m who I am and that won’t change.  There are still a lot of things that need to be worked on and I will… one of them at a time.

 

 

Going to start with things I have going on.  I’m going to be a co-ed again come Monday.  I’m going back to school to get my HR Generalist certificate.  7 1/2 years of experience isn’t enough for some companies, so I’ll get it.  I about stroked out in my advisor’s office when she told me I’m getting credit for all the core classes I took for my BA in ’91 and ’92.  So, I have 6 classes (maybe 5 if my last transcript shows a computer class – been too long to remember) to take and I will have my generalist by the end of next semester.  After she reviewed my stuff, she said don’t worry about taking any more classes for an AA in Bus with HR concentration, but to just move on with my MBA. So, I’m currently searching out MBA programs and meeting with some folks next week to discuss my options.  I was just going to get the AA to get it.  We’ll see.

My secret thing is moving right along and hope it continues.

Now for some things I’m loving right now:

Spin Pins.  I saw these on t.v. (I am a marketer’s dream) so I loaded up and went in search of these little curly pins.  I found two sizes.  One is a pack of two that are long and one is a pack of three that are shorter. I bought the shorter ones because my hair isn’t all that long.  I love them. L.O.V.E. them.   It totally makes rocking the mom hair easier and it’s not the same ‘ol pony tail.

Sparkpeople.  It’s an awesome website with lots of tools and I can track my progress.  So far there’s not a lot to track, but it’s all about baby steps.  What progress am I tracking on Sparkpeople?  Well, it’s because….

I’m back running again for the first time since I hurt my knee last fall.  It feels pretty good, but I run with my brace on.  I guess it’s been long enough that it should be feeling better.  Olivia is doing it with me… at least a small portion of it.  She rides her bike while I run/walk and she will run the last 1/4 mile or so with me.  She is so stinking supportive and even gave me a, “Mommy, it doesn’t matter if you don’t win.  You’re awesome and that’s what matters.  Now let’s get going.”  And we do.

Zumba isn’t made for people like me.  You want to know what kind of people it is?  I’ll tell you… it’s people without a lick of dang rhythm.  I told my friend M if I danced that bad back in college when we all used to go out, then my friends were bad friends for not telling me to sit my uncoordinated, couldn’t keep up with the beat if it was glued to the bottom of my shoes self down.  Fabul-O has less than me.  How sad is it I’ve one-upped a six year old?

Still working on regaining my sense of me.  It’s returning slowly but surely.

Enjoy your weekend…

We finished. I’m not dead, but might be a wee bit injured. It’s an azz kicker, that’s for sure.

That’s what I have.  However, I know deep down that’s just posh talk for being scared utterly crapless about the mud run this weekend.  In 3 days I’m going to embark on the 4.5 mile obstacle course.  I’m not ready.  I know I’m not ready.  I have  a great cheering fan base who all tell me, “you’ll do great!”  In reality, I  won’t.  How do I know?  Because I got my arse handed to me on a platter and lapped by the girl who got lost in the woods for Girl Scout 5k we did.  That’s how I know.  Not much has changed.  I’m drinking tons of water trying to keep hydrated because I quickly learned that dehydration sucks hugely.   I know it’s about having fun and getting muddy.  I know it’s raising money for a terrific cause.  I know I’m doing it and there are others who aren’t even attempting it.  I hurt my shoulder about a month ago at the gym and it’s feeling better, but it’s still not as good as I’ve wanted it to be.  I’m scared.  Loqi says not to be.  Will says not to be.  But I am.  There’s a monkey bars type obstacle.  Hell, I couldn’t do monkey bars when I was in elementary school and I certainly can’t do them now.

There are 3,600 four-person teams.  That’s 14,400 people.  There simply has to be someone who is in worse condition than me.  I hate it, but I’ve lost the drive that had me working so hard for it.  I want to do this.  I really, really do, but I think I have mega cold feet and have a huge fear of letting my teammates down.  My parents are even driving down for it, which is huge and makes me even more nervous.  My fears are rational.  I know a lot of people get race day jitters.  But I’m scared.

If you think about it, on Saturday, September 25 at 9:21:20, we will start and I ask you send me some good ju-ju.  I just want to finish.  Alive.  And not broken.  And not last.  And most of all, I don’t want my teammates to regret being on my team.

You can read a little about it here.

Thanks.

And here’s the design for our Mud Run t-shirts!  We’re so excited.  Well, I’m speaking on behalf of my entire team, but I’m sure they would agree.  Loqi came up with the name and I threw a little of this, little of that and next thing you know, voila, we done got us a team shirt!

You should be able to click on the piccie and it enlarge enough to read, but, if not, it reads: “Ladies and Grunts  When high heels and combat boots take to the trails…”

Hooah!

The USMC Mud Run is just about a month away.  Man, where does time go?!?

We have finalized our t-shirt design and I’m working with the printer to get them done.  *squee*  Will post a piccie of it when done.  What?  Looking the part isn’t the most important thing?    I know it’s not.  Just teasing.

I’ve been consistent in my going to the gym and cross training.  Evening runs are the problem and mornings are totally out for me simply because I’m not a morning person.  I don’t function in the mornings and I surely don’t want to tack on the extra hour+ to the beginning of my day.  Hey, I’m honest about it, so that’s got to count for something.  While it might count, it doesn’t do much for preparing me.   I’m hoping my outdoor progress will be the equivalent to half my gym progress.  I’m good with that.  Dear teammates: Please remember you love me for me…not my athletic ability. xo

I’ve also started back to Weight Watchers.  This time it’s on the buddy system (Hi, A!!).  Week 1: Awesome.  Week 2: Weigh in showed I ate week 1.  Crap.  Here’s to hoping week 3 is back on track.  As much as I joked about it, I didn’t think week 2 was that bad of a grazing week for me and my food choices were pretty good.   We’ll see.

I’m trying hard to like running, but I just can’t seem to get it together.  I read bloggers who give me hope and inspiration, but, when it comes time to lace up the shoes, the mojo just isn’t there.   I want it to be so badly.  Someone told me when I get to where I’m consistent it will be better.   I hope so.  Now to work on getting consistent.

We bought bikes, but Olivia doesn’t really want to ride hers, so there’s not a whole lot we can do with that unless we go one at a time and that’s not fun.   Hoping to make it to the National Whitewater Center to do the ropes course as I’ve never actually done one and would like to before the run and we can ride the trails there, too.

My skydiving adventure keeps getting delayed by the weather.  Monday through Friday the weather is awesome in the morning.  Weekends all cloud cover.  I’ve been excited about it, but now I’m ready to just do it.  It’s getting annoying not being able to go.

There’s another something fun on our horizon, but I don’t want to post about it until we get it and it’s done.  Please don’t ask if it’s a baby.  It’s not.  As much as I wish it was, it isn’t.  Working on finalizing that in the next couple of weeks. We refer to it as “Holiday Road.”

This week’s goals are to continue working to turn my high hopes and aspirations into reality and keep on working towards love winning.

Be well…
Susan

This was a week of obstacles combined with a huge desire to do-over.  I was discouraged and down because Friday is here and I had not started running yet. I was not going to let it get the best of me. I donned my kick-arse shoes (which, by the way, are totally not the right shoes for me to be running in even though they look awesome and are great for walking, so I’ll be buying new shoes.  Soon.) and went to the gym. I did week 1, day 1 (W1D1)  of the Couch to 5k program, but lost track of my times on the treadmill, so it was more of week 2 times and was about 50/50 run/walk times. I feel great. I’m ready for more, but have no fears of becoming an over achiever with this little jaunt.

My goal is the Fallen Heroes Memorial 5K in April.  Two days after the Bon Jovi concert, which I’m more way more stoked about than my first 5K run.

Hi, I’m Susan. I’m a runner.

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