By now, I’m sure many of you have read Single Dad Laughing’s post “The Disease Called Perfection.”  It got my attention.  I nodded my head as I read through it and felt like some of the burdens on my shoulders were trying to get off.

Some time back, a dear friend confided in me with some happenings in her life.  When she told me, all I could muster up was wow….I never saw that coming.   I then felt I needed to confide in her with some things that have been going on in my life so she would know that when I told her I understood that I truly did and wasn’t giving an obligatory nicety.   She responded with something along the lines of she thought I had the perfect life.  She thought that not because of a perfect picture I paint, but because of what I don’t share.  Folks, let me tell you.  My life is far from perfect.  The only perfect part of my life is Olivia and it even has its challenges for me.  Let me just go ahead and say this…not one time have I ever regretted the decision to be a parent.  Not one time have I ever regretted choosing China as the country from which we would adopt.  Not one time have I ever felt pressured about being a parent.  And, lastly, not one time in my entire life has my heart ever been filled with so much love.  But, even as full as my heart is with love with her and for her, it is empty for so many other things.

This post has been circling in my brain for a very long time.  I’ve mentioned before about some struggles I’ve had going on in my life, but I’ve never mentioned all of them.  Some of them are from within me.  My need to be able to help everyone when they need it and to not fail. My biggest fear is failing.  At anything.  Another of my struggles is balance.  How to balance working (until this past February two jobs), being a mom and now PTA chair, Girl Scout leader, and FRG leader for our unit.  This last one was a tough decision for me and I felt as though I probably shouldn’t take on the responsibility.  Once I wade through all my shortcomings as a person and all my anxiety and fears I carry within me, comes the biggest struggle of all with failure tagging along.

For over two years, I’ve been struggling to keep my marriage together with this past year being the most draining on me.  I found out during my review at work back in the summer exactly how much having problems behind the scenes affected me.  I can count on one hand how many people know what has been going on.  I am not going into detail because I don’t think it’s fair to Will or necessary.  It has been the hardest two years of my life by far and, right now, I can’t tell you how this story will end.  I’m hoping for the best, whatever that may be.  I’m not perfect.  I get angry, frustrated, slam doors and cry.  I am carrying a grudge, disappointment, anger, hatred, and an overwhelming feeling of not being good enough.  My self esteem no longer exists.  I have shut down.  I have sunk to a level of being blue that I struggle to recover from.  I have friends who think I’ve abandoned them and no longer want to be friends or care about them.   I feel as though I’m letting Olivia down and that guilt is, by far, the largest.  I also didn’t, and still don’t, want to be the center of conversation or gossip.

I am trying to learn how to regain my self esteem and accept the fact that I am good enough.  I’m trying to learn forgiveness.  I’m trying to learn to let go of the anger and hatred I’m harboring.  I’m trying to learn to move forward and have things be better.  So far, I’m really not doing so good, but I also know it’s not an overnight process.  It took years to get to this point and will take time to get back to whatever my new normal will be.

To those who think I’ve abandoned them: I’m sorry.  I wanted to tell you, but couldn’t.  It’s embarrassing.  Closing some doors was easier than having to talk about it.

To those who have lent me shoulders, ears and wiped my tears: Thank you.

Every day I wake up trying and hope for a better day than the one before it.  Hopefully, one of these days, it will all fall back into place.

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