Today was Olivia’s first day of kindergarten.  I had my big, nasty, “cleansing” cry last night and I only welled up a couple  of times this morning.   Being a parent brings with it so many feelings of inadequacy.  Am I doing the right thing?  Am I making the right decisions?  All Olivia knows is in the past 3 months I have made more changes to her daily schedule than I have in the past four years.

This was an email I typed to Mar last night:

I’m a blubbering mess.  It’s not like she’s never gone anywhere before.  She’s been in school since forever.  She did 2K, 3K, and 4k.  Now she’s a kindergartner and I’m heart broken.  The little teeny tiny baby who screamed her head off when I held her for the first time will start school tomorrow.  I have made her lunch and tucked her lunchbox note in it.  I’ve tried to get her ready, but I don’t think I’ve done enough.  Is she in the “good” class? What did they use to decide what class she belonged in?   If she was at her other school I know what we were up against.  I can’t make any more treats.  Everything has to be store  bought.  I joined the PTA.  I am going to chair the canned food drive.  Where has the time gone and why haven’t I done more?  Is it because I’m a bad parent or is it because I didn’t want to face the fact that my baby is going to school.  She has a back pack, will buy her lunch and carry her tray to the table and have quiet time instead of nap.  When Will told her we going out to eat tomorrow night so we could talk about her first day, she asked why.  We told her it was because tomorrow is a big day for her; she’s an official big girl now. she said, “That’s so sweet of you.  Thank you, but we don’t have to.”  Then I told her it was okay, she could pay.  She told me she would take “8 change and some dollars” and she would take care of it.  I hope her new teacher appreciates her like everyone else has.  I’m afraid she’s getting ready to get lost in a sea of numbers and not be appreciated for the Fab she is.  Oh, Mar….am I going to make it?

And then mom talked me off the ledge.  I was okay after that except for the puffy eyes, nonstop running nose and a headache that would have made a nun cuss.

This little girl:

is this little girl:

Just little more grown up.   And I love her so very, very much.