Life at Chateau L hasn’t been all sunshiney and picket fences of late.  There have been some ups and downs.  Quite honestly, more downs than ups.  There have been days where I didn’t know which way I should turn and how I could manage to make one more decision.  It’s been trying, to say the least, and while I try to remember all the good I have going, the down side of it has been really, really down and it makes it super difficult to keep forging on.  With that comes feelings of failure.  Being a failure has always been one of my biggest fears.  I mean, who wants to fail?

My new card reader is sitting on my nightstand waiting to be plugged in to download pictures from vacation last NOVEMBER.  There are pictures from Christmas and New Year’s people want to see.  Then there’s Fabul-O’s fifth birthday party.  Her first milestone party.  Five.  Can you believe it?  In my bout of lacklusterness, depression, hibernation, or whatever you want to call it, I didn’t post about our four year anniversary of being a family.  I re-read my original blog post from the day I boarded the flight to China.  I relived that whole day right down to the Chinese man who insisted on eating grape tomatoes at the gate in Chicago and me trying not to heave all over the terminal.  I relived a fight Will and I had.  I relived every moment and every emotion of that trip and it made me sad.  It made me sad because I was finally going to achieve a level of life I had longed so much for…being a mom.  I have been sucked into a vortex and I can’t seem to get out of it.

Way back when I posted about doing the Marine Corps Mud Run in the fall.  I have lacked the desire and motivation to get started training.  I have a dear bloggy friend, who I’m truly inspired by, but I let my own pity and wallowing stand in my way of getting ready for it.  I have the shoes.  I have the earbuds that *shouldn’t* pop out when I run.  I have the gym membership to begin getting fit.

I have let myself sink to a low that I’m having trouble regaining ground from.  People who see me face to face don’t see this.  There are two people in my “real” life who have heard the heartache and anguish I’ve been going through.  It’s hard to admit failure and it’s even harder to try and get back on your feet from it.

There were some pretty exciting changes that had been on the horizon for Chateau L that are no longer even a glimmer.  I don’t know if they ever will be.  Certain parts of my future are uncertain.  As much as I want the white picket fences and bright, sunshiney skies….they just aren’t here right now and I don’t know when I will be able to see them.

When my alarm goes off in the morning, I will get up and start my day and hope that the hardness in my heart will be soft once again.  Forgiveness isn’t something I’ve ever been good at, and, as much as I want to be good at it, I am simply struggling so hard with it.

One of these days I’ll show you the pictures of the one reason most of you still hang around, but getting that spark just isn’t there.

Tomorrow I start my Couch-to-5k training.  I am hoping to be able to run my first 5K in 8 weeks.  We’ll see, I suppose.

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