My little brain spasms are back.  With a slight vengeance.  I have a headache for the third week in a row, but it’s manageable with OTC medication.  My seizure medicine will produce a baby with three heads should my eggs decide to do something asinine like fertilize.  I don’t think it’s working, so I’m oddly concerned that I’m not seizing like Dr. Huha (HeadUpHisAss) thinks I am, but I could be.  Who knows.  I have tremors at night when I rest sometimes.

Last weekend, we were at C0stco and I got disoriented, which I refer to as getting lost in my brain.  I get slight dizzy spells from time to time and I’ll feel a feeling of warmth wash over me, but usually it’s nothing too terrible.  Then I get a weird thumping feeling in my chest.  Imagine yourself at a concert too close to a speaker and you feel the vibrations moving through your body.  That’s the sensation.   Sunday was bad.  Will was with me and I totally lost track of me, my environment and what I was doing.  I couldn’t help but cry.  Right there in the store.  Next to an end cap of noodles.  My FIL gets disoriented at times and I could never understand how he felt when he tried to describe it.  But now I know.  It is one of the scariest feelings around.  I went home and laid down.  Olivia drew a picture.  When I asked her what it was, she said it was me.  In bed sick.  I cried again.  My child sees me as sick all the time.  I’m not, I just get lost in my brain, but I don’t know how to explain it to her in words she’ll understand.  I try not to make too much of the headaches because it scares her.  But she sees me as sick.  I’m tired of being sick.  I’m tired of being tired.  I’m tired of being snappy.  I’m tired of being void of energy.  I’m tired of being tired of being tired of stuff.  I’m tired of getting lost in my brain.

So, next week, I’m going back to see Dr. Huha and see what we can do.  I think the medication is keeping me from getting “better” enough to feel better.  I think it’s taking my energy and making me less happy than I want to be.  No, it’s not the root of all my ills and issues, but anything that has the side effect of a baby with multiple heads has the capability to bring one into a constant state of pissed offness.

I need to get better.  I need to get healthy.  I need a challenge and I’ve found one.  I want to do a mud run.  I think the closest one to me is in Columbia, SC unless Carolina Marines does another one at Belmont Abbey College.  I have one year to get my crap together to do it.  I really, really want to.  Has anyone ever done one or know anyone who has?? I’ve read about the one atCamp Pendleton and hear it’s exhausting, but totally fun.  I told Will I want us to do it; I think we can do a two man team, unless some of ya’ll who are local wanna go it with us for a four man team.  I have one year to get into shape for it.   I can do it.  I know I can.  I have to work on my discipline, though.  And until I get this blah Eeyore-ish feeling to go away, I can’t do that.  Which means from time to time I may pimp for support…ya’ll up for the pimping?