I’ve gotten several emails from folks over the past few weeks asking if things are okay with us as I’ve appeared to be distant.  I have been, to some degree.

I’ve toyed with the idea of blogging about it and, at the risk of it sounding all doom and gloom, I have decided that I’m going to.  So, here it goes…

Alot of you know about my breast cancer scare, which still isn’t resolved.  I’ll be undergoing more follow up and testing soon.  I’m optimistic, but it’s still a tad bit scary.   I’ve registered to do the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in October, but have hesitated to begin fund raising until some other things get resolved and I wouldn’t want to let anyone down who sponsored me. 

What else is there to get resolved?  Today Will is having an MRI on his back.  He was injured on AT and his back still isn’t better.  He is under an LOD (line of duty investigation) with the Guard.  He has seen a spine specialist and right now it looks like one of two things will be our outcome:

  1. Physical therapy.
  2. Back surgery.

If he has to have back surgery, which we are praying with all our might he won’t, there are so many things that will change over the course of our year.  If I hear, “Oh, that means he won’t have to go to Iraq” one more time, I’m going to start poking eyes out.  Seriously.  This is how we see it from our points of view:

  1. He is scheduled for leadership school in order to get promoted.  Right now, because he is under a line of duty investigation with the Guard, that is on hold.  Without this school, he can’t get promoted.  His unit is trying to flip-flop schools with another Soldier in hopes of him being able to attend the later one.  The concern: It’s after they are scheduled to mobilize, what if they decide not to let him attend?
  2. More importantly, the team he has trained with and worked with for the past year and a half will be assigned a new Bradley commander.  One they probably don’t know, haven’t worked with and don’t know the quirks of.  Combat training is a little different than your average day-to-day life working with someone.  These are your battle buddies.  They get your back, you get theirs.  You become you own little family and you know how each other works and reacts.  Will’s gunner had some personal issues earlier this year and he was assigned a new gunner.  It was a tough transition for his team.  This hurts his heart because he feels as if he’s let his team down.
  3. He does get to heal and will still be deployed, possibly assigned to another unit with Soldiers he doesn’t know.  There’s not a whole lot of room for a learning curve under those circumstances.
  4. Depending on how bad it is, his military career could come to an end.  “But he’s just a reservist.”  True, but that doesn’t make it any easier to watch the thing you love and want to continue with come to an end.  The past 14 years have flown past both our eyes and we are both saddened by that possibility.  Truly and deeply saddened. 

I have all but given up my volunteer work.  The are some other personal issues I can’t blog about, but they are pretty serious and affect my family in a lot of ways.  For the past 3-1/2 years, I have looked out for other people.  I have made sure that anyone who has contacted me with a need got what they needed or I found them help.  Do you know, last year I shipped 219 care packages to Iraq and Afghanistan?  Many of those included goodies for units made up of 39 – 150 individuals.  I sent over 2000 letters, cards and well-wishes.  I sent baby presents for wives at home who had babies while their husbands were deployed and they had nothing.  I made homemade cookies and other goodies to send over.  I don’t say that for any reason other than it breaks my heart that this year I’ve not been able to do that.  I think everything has caught up with me and the issues I’m facing in my personal life have caused me to feel a bit removed and the uncertainty of the deployment, which is still on the horizon, doesn’t help.  I feel like I’ve lost my zen and I can’t get it back.  I’m working a tremendous amount of hours and trying to keep my homelife as stable as I can.  Sadly, relationships with friends have also been affected.  I don’t like to burden others with my problems and things that are going on.  It’s just not me and sometimes I think they see it as me bailing on them or ignoring and it’s certainly not the case.   Sometimes I need a little “me” time and I get it whenever and however I can and many times it doesn’t involve getting together with friends.  There are friends who are facing deployments we want to see so badly, but simply can’t find the time before one or both of them deploys.  There are friends in the next city over I can’t get together for dinner with.  It’s hard letting people down.  It’s hard feeling like I’m not living up to what they’ve come to know me for. 

We all go through cycles of questioning ourselves and how we can do things differently and better.  I’m no different.  I always strive to be the best person I can be and I don’t want to let anyone down.  The time has come where I’ve had to step back from a lot of tasks and projects and, honestly, I feel like I’ve failed.  I know that if I don’t take time to regroup and get myself back on track, I won’t be doing anyone any good.  I know that in my mind, but my heart won’t get on board with it.  It makes me think, what if everyone took the time away?  Who will be there to pick up the pieces?  But I’ve found myself in need of someone to help me pick up the pieces.

Part of the reason I’ve hesitated blogging about the things going on is because there are a lot of bloggy buddies who have had some pretty serious goings on of their own, many of which are way more significant than mine.  I know it’s all relative to the lives we lead.  I haven’t commented much on their blogs about what they are going through and facing mainly because I don’t know if what I have to say is the “right” thing.  To those who read here and have had personal strife in your lives, I’ve read about them and I’ve prayed for you.  I’ve also found that saying nothing can be worse than saying the wrong thing, so I forever find myself in a catch-22.

There is a lot of good going on in my life, which I try to post about, but there are some struggles, too.  I’ll keep everyone updated on what’s happening.  

This coming weekend we are attending the wedding of a guy in Will’s unit.   It just happens to be the weekend before my birthday (I gracefully gain a year on the 15th) so we are going to make it a weekend all about me us. (yes, I’m still maintaining my sense of humor)