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We have been working through some things at Chateau L that have made me revisit my past, focus on and sort through the present and look forward to the future. There is some good. There is some bad. And, of course, the ugly looms there, too.
This is going to be fairly rambling with not a lot of rhyme or reason and, honestly, it’s not likely I’ll go back over it and correct grammar, etc.
February isn’t just the anniversary of our “Family Day” with Olivia. One year before that, it was when I said good-bye to my husband for his first deployment. It was the first time in my life that I ever felt truly, truly alone. It was the first time where I felt weak for having “woe is me” days. It was the first time my life was filled with constant day-to-day worry. February brings with it a lot of emotions for me, especially now with one of my dearest friends, Wendy, whose husband has begun his second tour. Those who have been around a while may remember that Wendy and I met online on a forum for Navy wives when I was looking for hotel recommendations to go visit Will in Gulfport. After beginning our friendship, we realized Will had been assigned to her husband’s unit. We were friends here and they were getting to know each other there. Kismet. Wendy was the first wife I met who shared her feelings and helped me to validate mine, but I still felt like it was wrong. I mean, she had just had a baby and had a toddler. Her husband was gone. What on earth did I have to complain about?? The other two wives from Will’s unit never returned phone calls and weren’t interested in supporting one another. In some ways my feelings were hurt, but in other ways I understood they had their lives. It was just Pom Pom and me…Olivia was still a file on someone’s desk and a dream in our hearts. I worked a lot to keep me occupied and I focused on things I had to. My cell phone was a permanent fixture on my body and I slept with it under my pillow. I know there are some military spouses who read my blog who are shaking their heads because they’ve been there. There are some National Guard and Reserve wives who are doing it, too. Before Will deployed, I never really considered myself a military spouse. I often simply referred to myself as a Reserve spouse. To me there was a difference. There still is, to some degree.
We are the marriage deployment strengthened. We are the marriage this deployment tested.
Our lives moved in fast forward when Will came home. Meeting him on the tarmac at Oceana was the 2nd greatest day of my life. The first was the day I married him. He told me to stop crying; he was home now. I couldn’t stop because I relived the previous months over and over in my head. The constant worrying. The being scared. The longing for it to be over so he could come home and rest. The needing to be held and loved.
During the deployment, one of the days I’ll remember forever is April 16, 2005. It was a Saturday and the call came in while my friend J and I were on our way to look at a car because we sold his truck before he left. We were riding along I-40 and my phone rang. His voice was very calm and these were his first words, “I need to tell you something before you hear it from anyone else.” My heart sank. I gripped the armrest in J’s car and I listened to his words through the sound of my heart beating in my ears. They had convoyed to another city and, while there, they had a chance to go shopping at a market. See, something you all may not know is I’m a t-shirt ho. I have one from every place we’ve ever visited. He thought it would be cute to get me one from the marketplace and send it to me. It was cute, until I learned what the significance of that t-shirt would hold. While they were out, their sleeping quarters were hit by rocket fire and they lost many of their belongings. He was shopping for me a t-shirt so he wasn’t there. Two weeks later my t-shirt arrived in the mailbox. I sat in my car and hugged it. The only thing that made me laugh was be bought me a XXL. The shirt still has the tag on it and it’s tucked safely away.
We always knew there would be another deployment and when it became unofficially official, we started planning. We bought gear, planned vacations, double checked financials, etc. It’s what we needed to do. On his annual training last May, he was injured. The Guard STILL hasn’t gotten his paperwork moved through the system to get him fixed so we started him on doctor visits, testing, and therapy out of our own pockets. This injury kept him from deploying. He will eventually be fixed, but it’s going to be a while. I had my mindset that I was going to be the only caregiver for Olivia. I was going to be solely responsible for everything on the homefront while he did his job in a land far away. I didn’t completely know his mindset because he doesn’t talk about it much, but I knew he was preparing to go. Then they told him nope. Not happening. It was like running full force into a brick wall. We had an idea, but until they actually uttered the words, it never actually sank in. I’ve blogged about it before, but it is a lot harder to get unready to deploy than it is to deploy. Our mindsets had gotten in the right place. Our mentalities had shifted. We were ready and then WHAM. What to do with all these feelings and emotions. I used to think I hurt more for him, but after seeing a counselor, I’m not so sure anymore. I felt selfish because all the work I had done to get MY life in order was crashing down. I had planned how things would be for ME. Me. Me. Me. Oh, wait. He’s the soldier. How did he feel? I don’t know. He didn’t tell me. He wouldn’t tell me. I heard disappointment in his voice and I saw it in his face, but he never really told me how he felt. In December, after his unit mobilized, it was the elephant we tip-toed around.
I have gone back into the feeling of not knowing where I belong. Yes, I’m a military spouse by the definition my husband is in the National Guard, but I don’t feel like a “real” one. How do I define real? I don’t know. I can’t really, to be honest. Family support meetings are awkward because the other wives are living what I’m supposed to be. I guess the closest thing I can equate it to would be survivor’s guilt. I actually heard how lucky I am. I am, but I’m not. I think some of those who say that would probably have some of the mixed emotions I have.
I know how lucky and blessed I am Will came home unharmed. Believe it or not, I do know how lucky I am that he is out of harm’s way and I don’t have to live the day-to-day worry that so many others are going through. We found out on a Thursday he wasn’t deploying. By Saturday I had 3 emails and phone calls from people looking for support. I tried convincing myself that maybe, just maybe, our purpose was to support from the home front. There is a Colonel at an Army base who has my name and number and gives it to those who need support. I’ve been contacted about some projects in support of our troops in and around our area. I’ve been contacted by wives and girlfriends and family members whose loved ones DID mobilize with the NC National Guard this go-round. I know I have the support to give. I know I do. It’s what I do, ya’ll know that. I still can’t help but feel like I don’t belong. I’m supposed to be one of them. I’m supposed to be supporting them as I go through it with them. Not as a been-there-done-that spouse. I feel displaced.
Many things have been affected with this roller coaster of emotions. Friendships have been put on hold, but I’m holding on to hope that my best friends know I’m around, I’m just having some challenges right now. Sleep is spotty, at best.
The past is the past and the experience is something that I’ll carry with me forever. It has helped define who I am today – the good and not so good. I’m trying to embrace the present and remember the blessings I have. I’m working on reshaping myself into a person I can look at in the mirror every day and honestly say I’m proud to be. The future holds some uncertainty and it’s up to me to work on making the best decisions I can for my family. I’m having to learn to take it day by day.
I K E A opened in Charlotte this week. My first trip was with Shanny to Atlanta and we visited Lisa and Eammon. It was more than I could wrap my feeble mind around. When I found out they were coming to our area, I ordered the catalog and poured over the pages trying to envision what I wanted to get for the still non-existent playroom and to organize. I have pages dog-eared and I’ve talked it up to Will; he rolled his eyes. That was until today.
This morning we got up, had a mad dash breakfast at Chick-Fil-A and hit the interstate. The exit was coming up and my heart skipped a beat. Something about 360,000 square feet of shopping that does something to you. No, it’s not heirloom quality furniture. No, there isn’t really anything I need. But it’s fun, people. Lots and lots of fun. The city had a plan to shuttle people from a nearby ampitheater. Will and I pinky swore that we would not be part of shuttling. If I couldn’t get off the interstate at the exit, then I’d go back another day. Only one car ahead of me. Cops standing by to direct traffic when it got busy. There were probably 50 people directing traffic into the parking lot. I was impressed; it flowed very, very smoothly. Will says I ran the red light turning in, though. In front of four cops. They were prepared for a riot. I’m the least of their worries.
The line was around the building, but it moved very quickly and efficiently. Olivia stayed with us until we went to the marketplace portion and I sent her to the play area. They LOVED her. (surprise) Some other parents had an Olivia, too, and they thought the care givers were referring to their child. I let them. Who am I to burst their bubble?
Will was pretty impressed with the layout. I’m not sure he believed me when I told him they had little “homes” set up to show you just how functional 600 sf of living space can be. I bet he opened every.single.refrigerator. and proclaimed with each one, “they have appliances. And sinks.” For some reason he thought when I told him they did I was secretly leading him astray.
As much as I love it, there were some pretty dang rude shoppers out there. He scoffed when I wanted to be there as it opened, but I wanted to get there early because I had some work things to do this afternoon. I’ve had my fix and will get back into planning the non-existent play room addition and hopefully, when our friend D returns from his deployment, it will materialize.
By the way, my kid used the word “ain’t” for the first time today.
Three years ago today.
In lieu of really good stuff, I’m posting this. Okay, so good stuff really doesn’t exist. I’ve jotted about 10 blog posts in my mind, but they never make it the blog. Could be a good thing or it could be I’m just that freaking boring with a heaping side of lazy. Olivia, on the other hand, just keeps on going. So, I will fill you in on tonight’s conversation in the bathroom of the restaurant where we ate dinner….
Lady in stall (LIS): (I truly have no idea what she was saying b/c I wasn’t listening, but Olivia heard her)
Olivia: Mommy, who’s that lady talking to?
Me: I don’t know, let’s wash our hands and go.
Olivia: (knocking on the stall door while I’m drying my hands) Are you talking to me?
Me: (insert slightly mortified) Olivia, stop that and leave the nice lady alone.
Olivia: We don’t know she’s nice. She could be a mean ‘ol monster.
Me: She’s not a monster and she wants to be left alone.
Olivia: I don’t know about dat.
Me: I do. Let’s go. Now.
Olivia: Wayul, okay. Think she’s on the phone? She shouldn’t talk on the phone while on the potty. It might fall in. Just like daddy’s phone fell in PomPom’s water bowl that time. Remember, mommy? It got all wet…..
LIS: (Snickers)
Me: (Gasp)
There were only a handful of us in the restaurant. Thank goodness my back was too her as she passed by. Otherwise I would have been super duper mortified. How do I know which lady it was, you ask? Only because Olivia pointed out her funny looking shoes and I recognized them from seeing them under the stall door.
This was my blog post from February 15, 2006
Well, today’s the day we’ve been waiting for. We’re leaving for China. As I type this, Will is in bed trying to get some z’s before we have to get up at 3 a.m. to leave for the airport at 4. It’s going to be a loooonnnng day. Of course adrenaline has me up. I tried to go to sleep at midnight and that lasted for about a whopping 20 minutes and here I am. As I was laying there I kept hearing my heartbeat in my ears and I swear it sounded like it was beating a million times a minute. If I can’t sleep, I might as well be productive. I have two hours and forty-five minutes before the alarm goes off.
I have one bag under the weight limit at 32.5 lbs. and it is the one with ALL of Olivia’s clothes, blankets, clothes for the orphanage, etc. How? Well, we went to the Army-Navy store and bought a military duffle bag. It has no weight to start with and it was cheap $16.xx. We have one but it is military green and has US Navy stamped on it and we felt kind of odd going into China with military insignia so we bought a black one. It’s loaded to the gills – and under weight. The other one…well, not quite so lucky on it. It was at 55 lbs and we decided if it was going to be over, then over it was. We’ll pay. I stopped tonite on my way home from work and bought a new light weight suitcase that is 1″ bigger and expands 2″…our other was just a 29″ not expandable. Holy smokes…this rocked. I repacked and realized that I still had room left! So I gather more goodies and rearrange the carry ons and am stoked with all the room I have left. I zip it up, put it on the scales and weigh it. It’s up 10 lbs. Sheesh. So then I turn around and behind me is all of our socks and undergoodies that I didn’t repack in the new suitcase. That’s where all my free space came from. I’m thinking now I wished I would have bought 2 of the duffle bags and been done with it. So, I took out the new loot, put in the necessities and strapped her all up. DONE. Loaded and ready to go.
This will be my last post until Beijing. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We can always use them and can never have too many. I can’t believe I am five days away from meeting Olivia face to face. How cool is this….
Until Beijing…
Susan
I can’t believe three years ago we left on a trip that would change our lives forever and I don’t just mean being parents. From the people we met, the food we ate and the sights we saw. It was hands down the trip of a lifetime. By the way, it was really hard trying to tell someone who spoke no English that I forgot my hairbrush. Collectively, we had 40 pairs of underwear, but no hairbrush.
Time flies when you’re having fun.
This morning, the director of Olivia’s school pulled me aside and asked if anyone had told me what Olivia said to one of the new teachers. My heart sank ’cause ya’ll know it could have been anything. I took a deep breath and shook my head.
Olivia: Miss T. My mommy is white. My daddy is white. I’m Chinese. Are you chocolate?
Miss T: Well, I never really thought about it, but I guess that’s one way to look at it.
Miss T. is an African-American teacher who just joined the school. She has a bright, bubbly personality and it shows in her interactions with the kids from what I’ve been able to see.
Olivia: I think you’re funny. That’s a good thing.
Miss T. enjoyed hearing the end to the conversation.
Olivia has always known our family dynamic is different, but now it’s branching out to those who are around her. Thanks to T for helping me regain my breath on this one with her kind words.
******************
Fabul-O has this new fascination with maps. She has known her address and phone number for quite some time now, but she is to the point she wants to see where we live. My mom gave her a pocket calendar that has maps in the back of it. The kid poured over those maps like I’ve never seen her do. Saturday afternoon we went to the bookstore and I bought her an Atlas that details the history of each of the states. She knows a few states from visiting and talking about friends who live in other states. Last night I gave her the choice of states to learn about and we learned about North Carolina. She was pretty bored with Sir Raleigh and the “lost colony” part of it, but she perked right up when we moved on to the state bird, flower and tree. That followed with a loooong discussion about the hummingbird feeder vs. the bird seed feeder. The kid loves to learn about things. Her favorite animal to tell us about is the narwhal, which is the animal they learned about when her class studied the letter N. She’s also pretty hip on the macaw. We encourage learning new things and love when she tells us what she’s learned. Heck, I didn’t know about the narwhal until she told me, which proves what I’ve always said: she teaches me just as much as I teach her.
I’m still alive and slightly kicking. My hiatus has been good for me. I’m still lagging behind in the real world, but I’m feeling a bit refreshed and renewed. That’s a good thing. I’m hoping to get my groove back before too much longer. I know you all are just dying to know the goings on at Chateau L. Heh. Oh, the irony in THAT one.
I’m FOUR days ahead of O’s Valentine’s party at school. WOOT! Due to a local day care closing, which brought with it an influx of toddlers, O’s class has been combined with the older 2s/younger 3s class to create a larger toddler space. 24 of those darlings at once. Teachers combined, too, so it’s pretty well oiled in there. However, that means DOUBLE everything that goes on. Friday is the big V-day party. The note sent home asked EVERY parent to send a bag of candy. Ummm. No. Not happening from this mama. Teacher and I talked about this when I was at the school for the Chinese New Year. Obviously she wasn’t kidding. I think my eyes may have widened to the size of the tires on my car when she said that and I begged to please bring something besides candy. They aren’t doing special snacks or lunch and they didn’t need any special drinks. Just 24.bags.of.candy. I simply can’t bring myself to do it. I’m making cookies. I know it’s still a sweet treat, but, duuuude, it’s not candy. Besides, I like stealing her Olivia likes cookies more than those chalky candy hearts any day of the week.
I wish you all a fantastico week.
Be well.
Monday, I went to Olivia’s school and talked to the kids about the Chinese New Year. I stayed and we made paper lanterns to celebrate. One little diva told me we couldn’t be celebrating the Chinese New Year because it was Groundhog Day. I explained that more than one thing could happen on the same day and today we were talking about the Chinese New Year on Groundhog day.
A wee bit later, she and Olivia had a little pow-pow and it went a little something like this:
Kid: My mommy says it’s Groundhog day NOT Chinese New Year.
Olivia: My mommy says more than one thing can happen on the same day so we can talk about both.
Kid: Huh-uh. Because MY mommy is right.
Olivia: Well, MYmommy is smart. We win.
My.Kid.Rocks.
Hot, fresh homemade bread.
Soft butter.
Yummo. Should have made two loaves so I could have shared more with Will.
